Identifying Red Flags and Green Flags
Objective:
Help clients recognize safety cues (green flags) and warning signs (red flags) in relationships by tuning into bodily, emotional, and sensory feedback. Empower them to trust their discomfort and seek nourishing connections.
Therapist Script (Read Aloud):
*"You deserve relationships that nourish rather than deplete you. Today, we'll explore:
- How to spot red flags (signs of harm or misalignment) 🚩
- How to identify green flags (signs of safety and respect) 🌿
- What your body and emotions tell you in the moment 🧠⚡
This isn't about judging others—it's about honoring your needs and protecting your energy 🛡️."*
Psychoeducation:
1. Why This Matters for Neurodivergent Individuals 🧠
- Many are trained to ignore discomfort to "fit in" or avoid rejection.
- Subtle cues (e.g., tension, fatigue) are often overridden—but they're vital data.
- Green flags > charm: Consistency (e.g., respect for boundaries) matters more than charisma.
2. Red Flags vs. Green Flags 🚩🌿
| Red Flags (Caution) | Green Flags (Safety) |
|---|---|
| Feeling drained after interactions | Feeling calm/refreshed |
| Pressure to mask your true self | No performance needed |
| Guilt-tripping when you say no | "No" is accepted without debate |
| Emotional confusion (e.g., "Was I too sensitive?") | Clarity in communication |
3. Somatic Clues (Interoception) 🔍
- Red Flag Alerts: Stomach knots, jaw tension, headache, sudden fatigue
- Green Flag Alerts: Relaxed muscles, steady breathing, warmth in chest
- Practice: "Scan your body during/after interactions—what feels tight? What feels open?"
Practice Tool: "Is This Relationship Sustainable?" Checklist 📝
Rate interactions based on aftermath:
Physical:
☐ Energized ☐ Neutral ☐ Drained
Emotional:
☐ Validated ☐ Confused ☐ Guilty
Sensory:
☐ Overstimulated ☐ Comfortable ☐ Understimulated
Therapist Prompt: "Which patterns do you notice across relationships?"
Reflection Prompts:
- "How do I typically feel after spending time with this person?"
- "What's one green flag I've ignored but want to prioritize?"
- "When did I override a red flag—what did I fear would happen if I didn't?"
Validation Statement:
"Your discomfort is data, not drama. It's okay to protect your peace—you're not 'too sensitive' for needing safety 💙."
Wrap-Up & Homework:
- Use the checklist after 3 interactions this week.
- Journal ✍️: "What's one boundary I want to set based on what I've noticed?"
Therapist Note: For clients who dissociate, pair this with grounding techniques (e.g., "Name one sensation you feel right now").
| Critic Type | Example Thought | Hidden Message |
|---|---|---|
| 💯 The Perfectionist | "You must get it right." | "Mistakes = danger" |
| 🤨 The Doubter | "You'll mess this up." | "You're not capable" |
| 😅 The Pleaser | "Don't make waves." | "Your needs burden others" |
| 🌪️ The Catastrophizer | "If you fail, it'll ruin everything." | "The world isn't safe" |
Key Insight: These voices often sound protective but keep you small or anxious.
2. Origins of Critical Voices 🔍
- External Sources:
- 👨👩👧👦 Family: "Why can't you be like your sister?"
- 🏫 School: "Stop fidgeting!"
- 📺 Media: "Successful people never rest."
- 🚫 Ableist norms: "Just push through."
- Therapist Prompt:
"When you hear your inner critic, ask: 'Who first made me feel this way?'"
3. Practice Tool: "Whose Voice Is That?" Worksheet 📝
Step 1: Write a recurring critical thought.
Step 2: Identify whose tone/words it resembles (e.g., a parent's sigh, a teacher's scolding).
Step 3: Reframe it:
- "This isn't me—this is my third-grade teacher."
Reflection Prompts:
- "Which thoughts sound like your true self, and which feel inherited?"
- "What is this thought trying to protect you from? Is it still helpful?"
- "If your critic were a character, what would they look/sound like?" 🎭
Validation Statement:
"These voices aren't facts—they're learned survival strategies. Even if they feel 'true,' they're often outdated alarms ⏰. You get to keep what serves you and leave the rest."
Wrap-Up & Homework:
- Track critics for a week: "Which show up most?"
- Try 'externalizing': Draw/write the critic as a separate entity 🖍️.
Therapist Note: Normalize that even 'positive' critics ("You can do better!") can be exhausting. Help clients find self-encouragement that feels gentle, not demanding.
Need adaptations for trauma histories? 🛡️ Focus on "How did this belief help you survive?" to reduce shame.